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| when you're dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.
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| this is for old time's sake.
since the first time i ever made a xanga (junior high; seventh grade), up until now, i must have made a great number of new ones. from 'kpxjjangxgurl' to 'philanthropiee', with a lot in between i just forgot about. this one is probably xanga number fifteen for me, if i were to actually count. but, in all honesty, we all know that xanga is for personal amusement. why else would we sit here in front of our respective laptops/computers, typing away into the nothingness of cyberspace? we're just all comfortable with the illusion of other people caring, when deep down we know that people just read our words out of boredom. maybe there are those who actually do care, but it would only be a handful. quite the cynical observation, yes. it's one of my many charming qualities.
unfortunately, for me, i went through a wave of nostalgia, and revisited some of my old xanga sites. it's quite embarrassing for me to say that i was one pathetic, weird, lonely, and somewhat sad little girl back in the day. some of the things i wrote in my entries made me go "whatthefuck" and laugh at myself in disbelief. it also sparked some unwanted memories that all crashed over me, making me cringe. i really hate the jb days. if i could, i'd eradicate them all from the depths of my mind.
but, i have to say, thinking back to those years also make me laugh. it's quite funny how i tried so hard to be a part of something i so clearly wasn't cut out for. maybe it was because of the fact that i tried so hard, everything just backfired. who knew that in just a few years, i'd be happy in my own skin, happy with the people i surrounded myself with, and happy to have not been a part of that group? i mean, don't get me wrong, they were all great, in their own ways (though i was shunned and rejected by them numerous times. turns out my "friend" at the time was bringing me down for personal gain. long story, and i won't get into it.) but they just weren't my people. it was just too much for me, and i just couldn't continue being someone i'm not.
it kind of sucks how i can't really get along with members of my own race, but at the same time i'm not surprised by it. all my life i was plunged into diversity, and with my type of personality, i can't stay quiet and hang out with the same people for long. and, slowly, by being myself (which is the total opposite of most of them) and not trying at all, i got along with all of them. i guess what's preventing me from getting closer to them was my embarrassment and hurt. i mean, it's not easy being friends with someone who cussed you out in junior high. sure, that happened when we were young and whatever, but it's kind of...embarrassing when you think back. you can't help but to think 'oh, i wonder if they remember that one time, and i wonder what they think of me now' type thoughts. it's hard to explain.
and i really don't know why i'm talking about this. this weather's got my mind going crazy.
BUT, i clearly remember this one bitch always talking shit, calling me ugly and all that horrific nonsense. i don't know why, but it would always bug me; i honestly don't know why i paid any attention, because the bitch was fucking hideous. and i clearly remember all the guys saying all that shit about me not being pretty enough or whatnot (during those days i really took all that to heart. now i just don't give a fuck). i actually bumped into one of them not too long ago, and i caught him staring at me a couple times. now, i'm not saying i'm fucking beautiful, but it did give me a sense of...cockiness? for lack of a better word. i seriously just wanted to go up to him and say:
"who's ugly now, fucker?"
but that would've been very immature.  
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